The recent incident really baffled me. It broke my heart to hear the news that little children died in their school which is supposed to be a safe place for them. A place for them to learn, discover, grow, and build friendships. I cannot believe that something like this could happen in a Kindergarten and I pray for the families of those affected and for the souls of those who died during the shooting last Friday. I hope they may find solace and strength as they face the tough times ahead of them.
This really got me thinking if a school is the best way for Ia to learn. There is always the option to homeschool her and I have been reading about it for quite sometime. I know that she is still too young for school but I have my worries on sending her to any school. I worry about bullies and mean teachers, if she's eating the right kind of food, if they teach her things that really matter, if she has good friends, and so many other things, but the first is what really bugs me because I experienced those and I don't want it to happen to Ia.
I was a bully before I entered grade school. Growing up without a father earned me taunts from my classmates and other kids. Nobody taught me how to handle my emotions so I ended up hurting those kids and other kids who I am jealous of (those kids who looked happy with a mom and dad beside them). I mellowed out of course but after that was the worst times of my childhood.
Going to school in a barrio is really different than the city. People have a different way of understanding so being a child coming from a broken family I had a tough time adjusting at school. People were mean, they looked at me differently and I can't make friends easily. I was called many things at school, some of them would make up stories or call me names, but the one that stuck was being called a bastard and dumb. Those really hurt and no matter how I told them that I am not one because my parents were married they didn't listen, so I proved myself to them by studying hard. I got into the top 5 in class. Sometimes its 3rd or 4th or 5th but it really didn't matter because I still can't make any friends. I thought I did though, I joined this group and I really thought I was making progress until someone told me that those guys only hangs out with me because of the stuffs I received from my aunt (who I call mommy) who is in the U.S. That information broke my heart and I cried and cried until the pain went numb. After that I didn't trust them and only considered the person who told me as my sole friend. I was glad though because I finally have someone who would ask me over and play. Her family was also nice to me and that's the first time that I felt "home". Still school was hard, the teachers there would only give notice to kids whose parents are active in school so if I try to do something (drawing, singing, designing) like those kids I was put down. Me and those other kids get harsh criticisms that we would just not try anymore and just stay put at the back where we belong. I know it sucks, but that was life and it still probably is in the barrio.
My worst experience with a teacher was back at first grade. He was my English teacher and I wasn't interested with his lesson because I already knew about it so I was reading this 10,000 Facts book given to me by my Mama. I was so engrossed reading the book that I was shocked when all of a sudden my teacher slapped his hands on my desk. He reprimanded me for not listening and wanted an explanation. I told him about my reason but he still got angry and he made me kneel on my desk and spread my arms. I was in tears but he just ignored me and continued with the lesson. There were some teachers who passed by but just ignored me, some of my classmates were sniggering, none of them helped. It was the worst day of my grade school life. I can still remember every detail that day and it still haunts me. Everything that was bad during my elementary life still haunts me. There were even times when it hurts too much I think of ending my life. Yes as young as that a kid can feel that way but I'm glad that I didn't. But I keep thinking that maybe I would be a different person if those things didn't happen to me. Maybe I won't have trust issues and I can make friends easily. Maybe I won't have issues. Maybe the decisions I made during high school would be different. But I can't change the past, I am what I am now because of those events wired me that way.
What I can do is to make sure that Ia won't experience what I have experienced. Maybe its homeschool because I can protect her from all those awful things that happened to me and I have a peace of mind because I know she is safe. If she decides that she wants to go to school, then I would support her and help her deal with anything she has a problem with.
I will teach her how to handle her emotions so that she won't bottle it up and explode or hurt herself and other people. I will teach her how to handle bullies and "friends" that makes use of her. I will teach her how to stand up to a teacher who is not treating her right. I will teach her to value friendship and be a good friend. I will teach her to be kind to people who has issues because they are already dealing with a lot of things so its not good to add more to the load. I will teach her how to be compassionate and to lend a helping hand to those people in need. I will teach her all these things and more and try to protect her from all the evil that this world have because she is my life and I could not bear seeing her hurt or worse that I couldn't even say it.
